Wednesday, 24 October 2007

That Will Teach Me To Go On Holiday!


How times change. 

50 Years ago a campaign started to get us to Go To Work On An Egg! (Mind you its easier to go to work on egg than it is to get anywhere by public transport!)
Where was I, ah yes, the likes of Tony Hancock and Patricia Hayes extolling the virtues of the egg as the  breakfast food.

I remember well the advert with Ms Hayes playing a Landlady and asking of her lodger "How do you want yer eggs? Fried or Boiled?" and the lodger replying "Eggs Risotto please Mrs P" to which she said "What's that? Fried or Boiled?" They don't make them like that anymore (thank goodness). In fact these adverts were eventually banned as they deemed to promote an unhealthy, unvaried diet!
Then we moved to time when eggs were positively BAD for you. If the Salmonella didn't get you, Edwina Currie did. 

Well I can tell you here and now that eggs are bad for you. Although not suitable for wide scale damage as an antipersonnel device they are almost perfect!.

There I was enjoying the first morning of may holiday - spent I'll have you know finishing off a set of slides for a presentation and writing a proposal - when to quote John Cleese in the Cheese Shop Sketch "I became all 'ungry lyke!"
I know thinks I, I slice of nicely toasted wholemeal bread topped with a delicately poached EGG would be a treat! Oh how wrong was I.

1. I did not check the toaster before inserting the bread and had not realised that my son had turned it to a setting so low that rather than toast the bread it just made it warm and soggy. So I turned the toaster up and put the bread back in. The phone rang and although only a short call it was time enough for the toast to burn because I had forgotten Brevelles Forth Law of Toasting - namely " Bread will burn no matter what the setting if it has previously been in the toaster at any time!"

2. Then to the preparation of the eggs.
In to a pan of boiling water that had agitated with a spoon to create a whirlpool in the water I add the first egg, the second egg fell apart as I cracked it and went all over the worktop, so I tried with another egg and this cracked ok but on entry to the pan seemed to disintigrate.

3. I left the eggs for the required time, lid on, heat off. I removed the eggs or in this case eggy messy from the pan and placed on top of the toast. It was not properly cooked, and although I like my steak on the rare side of blue, eggs are something even I won't eat if not cooked properly.

What followed next was a real top chef hissy hit as I slammed around the kitchen swearing at all the utensils, the dish washer, the cooker, the toaster, even the poor old cat! Then I calmed down and thought don't be a prat. Stick it in the microwave for a few seconds that will finish it off.
It is at this point I have to exercise my Public Duty an say

"DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!"


"NO REALLY! DON'T"

The eggs first visit of 20 seconds to the microwave improved the situation viz-a-viz the physical substances of the foodstuff and to complete the transformation a further 15 seconds was deemed necessary, in fact a further 12 seconds was applied.

The plate on which lay the toast upon which the eggs nestled, was removed from the microwave and a quick visual inspection showed the egg to cooked! 

Holding the plate I then moved to the other work top to pick up my cutlery and then turned to sit at the kitchen table. ( About 3 steps and 5 seconds after removal from microwave).

I heard a funny phsssttt sound and in the split second I realised it was the egg, it exploded, or more accuratley the Yolk Exploded taking the white with it. This obviously made me jump! But not as much as the lumps of egg shrapnel that had attached themselves to various parts of my face, including the lids of the left eye.

Egg has a similar property to hot jam in as much as if you get it on your skin, it sticks and burns and it is very difficult to get off and apply anything cold to the area of the burn.

So I am flaying around the kitchen sink 'blindly' trying to find a cloth with which to bath my damaged eye. I find the cloth - hurrah. A quick dowse under the tape to soak with cold water to apply to my eye! This procedure started well. It was about 5 seconds in that I found out there was something else of a cleaning product nature on the cloth and as fast as the cool was soothing my damaged eye, the other element was making it worse!. 

I eventually managed to find a clean cloth and administer the necessary first aid.

But if this what happens when you take a holiday you can stuff it! I'd rather remain tired, miserable, stressed, lonely and morose - it's a lot safer!!

For those of you that are interested I managed to secure one of the photo's taken by the Investigation Team that arrived shortly after the explosion. This is what was scrapped up from the floor. You can still see the wires!!!






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